We’re back. It’s been a long two months and one day – at least for us, well, me – but our brief hiatus is over and by somewhat popular demand (maybe I’m being biased), The CalfMuscle is back on the worldwide web from now until December 21, 2012. And if the Mayans prediction of the end of the world is wrong, we’ll be here from now until the world actually does end.
We actually planned on changing our site entirely with a flashy new layout and other George Jetson-like upgrades, but instead you get pretty much the same thing. At first, I felt like a failure by hyping up The CalfMuscle on steroids and then seeing what’s always been. (I’m not dissatisfied with our site’s look, but like I said, I felt like after hyping it up so much via Twitter, Facebook, and… well, that’s it, that we had to have something to match the Olympics opening ceremony.)
But after thinking about it, who cares if we don’t have a top-shelf layout (yet). I say that because the look only means so much. What we aim to do is satisfy you and entertain you with the content that we post. If I can borrow a slogan from our dear friend and sponsor Augustine’s Pizza, The CalfMuscle is “Simple Looking…Simply Delicious.”
What I want to do for the remainder of the post is fill you guys in on what we’ve missed during our time off. I’m sure you’ve all heard most of these issues somehow in the last two months (and one day), but I want to give you a thought or two about each with a little Calf flair.
So here is what we missed:
1. The Cleveland Indians have gone from first place in AL Central to the worst team in baseball
This one probably doesn’t interest any of you, but I’m depressed about it so I’m mentioning it. The Tribe was at the top at time of Calf departure. They are now the worst team in baseball (since the break) other than the Houston Astros.
2. The Summer Olympics
London did a bang-up job at hosting. Or so I hear. I wasn’t there. And, as usually, the United States of America took names and kicked foreigners square in the face en route to another Medal Count Massacre, solidifying us, yet again in another way, as the greatest nation on the planet. (Quick digression: The USA v. Jamaica showdown in the 4x100m relay championship was the most exciting sporting event I may have ever watched.)
3. Joe Paterno ‘s Legacy and Penn State’s Future
I’ll keep my opinions to myself about Paterno because a few of our Calf contributors are Penn State alum and consider this a very sensitive issue. As for the beat down that Penn State football and other athletics took: It’s a shame. But it had to be done. I won’t back down from that statement. What happened in those athletic facilities are the most disgusting, vile, criminal, cowardly things that I’ve ever heard. And the men behind all of it (or covering it up) were FOOTBALL men. Don’t feed me the “he built the library” bullcrap. He was a football coach and was worshipped by too many people. If I were the NCAA I would have given them four years of death penalty. And if Paterno were still alive I’d look into his execution, too.
4. Miley Cyrus got the worst haircut known to man
I swear all of these celebrities who hit it big go off the deep end. Lindsay Lohan is a walking rehab stint, Michael Jackson was all sorts of messed up, LeBron James is a sellout and a coward. Now Miley Ray Cyrus goes all Eurythmics on us. It’s the beginning of the end.
5. My dad grew a goatee
He’s flirted with the thought, but now it’s official. My father abandoned the baby face look that has carried him for the last 20-something years and now looks somewhat like the snowman from Rudolph.
6. Chick-Fil-A Stood Up
This is another one that I don’t want to go into. All I’ll say is that I admire Dan Cathy for standing up for his beliefs while remaining sensitive to and aware of the subject. And I feel bad for those who felt victimized by his comments. I don’t feel bad because of what he said, in fact I thoroughly agree with and support him. But I feel bad for those who were offended because they see those who are anti-gay as people who hate them and hate homosexuality. On the contrary, Cathy cares for those who opposed his comments so much that when they picketed in the hot sun on Chick-Fil-A Appreciation Day, he had his employees bring them all cold water. Talk about a man living out Matthew 5 and “praying for those who persecute you.” Wow.
7. Dwight Howard pouted his way to LA
For those of you who read The CalfMuscle last time around, you are aware that the NBA is my favorite league. Well that is entirely subject to change. All of these superstars are holding there (former) teams hostage until they get out and team up with other superstars. The game is watered down anymore. All it is is 48 minutes on a court now. There is no building a team or carrying a city. It’s now just a league where the rich get richer – that goes for the organizations and the players. Oklahoma City and Kyrie Irving are the league’s only saving graces to restore the true NBA. And what grinds me up the most is all of these clowns coming out of the woodwork who never watched an NBA game before the culminations of super teams and buying Lakers, Heat, and Knicks jerseys.
8. Paul Ryan
Republican Presidential Candidate Mitt Romney picked his right hand man. And the Republican Party seems to have approved. Now the fun stuff begins. Who doesn’t love September through November of an election year? I’ll tell you who does: Matt Dean and Todd Park. And yes, they will be filling you guys in on their views up until election day.
9. Michelle Beadle and Erin Andrews both left ESPN
As if ESPN isn’t crappy enough anymore, the worldwide leader just lost its two hottest anchors. Beadle up and left for NBC while Andrews headed for the greener pastures of ABC. They must have seen the crap that there network is becoming. And while they ditched America’s only sports outlet (ugh!), we are stuck looking at Hannah Storm’s botox gone wild. Believe me, I think Ms. Storm looks great too, but does it bother anybody else that her face looks like it’s stuck.
10. I served the shortest job stint in history
Right around the time of our break, I somehow landed an awesome job that I probably wasn’t even qualified for. Well, in the two months since, the company mishandled their money terribly and laid off half the office. Up until a few hours ago, I may have held the world record quickest stint at a job. And then the Seahawks let Terrell Owens go.
11. Chad Johnson smacked his wife in the dome
The wide receiver formerly known as Chad Ochocinco was married for like five minutes (just a bit shorter than I held my job) and apparently head-butted his wacko wife in the car during an altercation. From there, Johnson was arrested and cut by the Dolphins. I don’t even think he cares though. I mean, at the end of the first episode of Hard Knocks, he promised his own arrest over the weekend. He delivered. And now he’s off the Dolphins and Hard Knocks stinks.
12. Blundo bought a grill
He’s a grilling machine anymore. Steaks and sweet potatoes for days! That’s all.
13. The Dodgers are Yankees West
Read this for details. Long story short: The Dodgers just took on over $300 million of salary cap to acquire three all-stars (albeit somewhat washed up). But they now hold the only NL lineup that can rival that of the Yankees, Angels, Rangers, or Tigers. It’s been a pretty good year for LA. The new Dodgers ownership group is on point, Mike Trout is the best rookie since Griffey, USC is the best team in college football, and the Lakers landed Steve Nash Bon Jovi and the NBA’s biggest crybaby.
14. Nicki Minaj is an American Idol judge
The same Nicki Minaj that our own Spero Stefanis so intricately broke down, is now supposed to decipher who has the most musical talent in the nation? I give up. We have no hope.
15. The Dark Knight Rose
I don’t have any stats about it nor did I even see the film. All I know is that American went gangbusters over a comic book brought to real life. I’d rather watch the Archie comics acted out. Although I’m sure I’d enjoy watching Hienz Field get blown up or Hines Ward get nut-punched by Bane.
16. Chachie Feathers
Ok, so this one isn’t real. I mean, it happened, but Chachie Feathers is fictional. He’s my Road to Glory Player on NCAA ’13. He’s a 6-foot-2 white receiver – just like me. He plays for Michigan State. C-Feath (that’s what his teammates call him) is going into my senior year after an All-American junior year and I’m the favorite to win the Heisman. I haven’t won it yet, but that’s OK, because when I play video games I want them realistic. And we all know white receivers are garbage.
17. Japan wins the Little League World Series
This just happened. Japan beat America’s native son, Tennessee, 12-2 on their way to the title. Usually when America loses in anything, I’m super bitter. But I don’t mind this so much. I haven’t watched the Little League World Series at all since I was like 8, and I only watched it then because I wanted to play in it when I was 12. But the older I got, the most I realized that all those players were/are was/is the kids who dads pay thousands of dollars for them to play travel ball. I love when I see the statistics that barely any LLWS participants ever go to the pros. Their dads are still probably paying for them to get through life.
18. Lance Armstrong is Winless…
I’m so confused about this. When I say “Lance Armstrong is Winless…” I kind of mean it as a joke. I don’t like Lance. I think he’s cocky, I do in fact think he cheated, but what he has done for cancer research and just pure inspiration for those fighting the disease is unlike anything we’ve ever seen. I don’t think stripping him of his Tour de France (or Tour de Farce) wins is necessarily wrong. But I believe that those who are trying to make him out as a fraud altogether are missing the point. I always have and always will question Lance’s character and integrity. But it is impossible to question or discount him inspirationally. Just ask Peter LeFleur.
19. R.I.P. Neil Armstrong
From one Armstrong to the next. And coincidently, a lot of people think this one may be a fraud too. I have my doubts (see: The Gravity-less American Flag Waving), but if America did it first, I believe. So, rest in peace, Pilot. Thanks for taking that one small step for man, and one giant leap for mankind.
20. Shark Week
I don’t really drink the Shark Week kool-aid usually. But I watched some stuff this year on the Megalodon and I was hooked. They built this big electronic shark and were feeding it washers and driers and jet skis and stuff. No wonder this thing has been going strong for 25 years.
(That entire last paragraph was sarcasm. The robot Megalodon only made me think Shark Week is even gayer.)
You know what’s not gay? The CalfMuscle. We’re back and it feels so good.
(Last thing – I meant “gay” as in corny. Not in the Chick-Fil-A way.)
You know we’re friends, Danny, and I’m sure this was a good post, but I stopped reading after “And if Paterno were still alive I’d look into his execution, too.”