What We Really Missed: Everything Sucks

While Dan Massaro caught you up on his job status, video game prowess, and dad’s facial hair, I’d love to take this opportunity to tell you what actually happened in the sports world over the last two months: everything sucked.

The Olympics

NBC didn’t play events live, but still managed to go past 12 every night. Not only that, but they also had spoilers on their own channel. I again remembered why this only happens every four years: otherwise everyone would remember how boring the majority of these events are (Horse dancing? Rhythmic gymnastics? Synchronized swimming? I can’t wait for Rio!).

The NFL

The NFLPA/Saints continued to cry that Roger Goodell exercised the powers they agreed to give him in the last CBA. Meanwhile, Mr. Goodell is apparently too busy defending his bounty fallout to notice that the replacement refs are a terrible idea and make a deal with the guys who actually understand the rules of the NFL game.

MLB

Melky Cabrera got suspended for testing positive for HGH. He is about to win the NL batting title anyway. Also, the Pirates keep losing, and will once again fall short of the playoffs. But luckily Rod Barajas, Clint Barmes, Eric Bedard, and Chad Qualls continue to get plenty of playing time (we wouldn’t want to deplete the roster of the division winning AAA Indians). Oh, and no matter how big a gap the Braves open up over the Cards, they’ll still have to win a stupid one-game playoff against them (Obviously using an ace that will then not be available in game 1 of the real playoffs). Apparently that whole 162 games thing doesn’t matter because well PLAYOFFS.

The NHL

As we headed to the end of last season (the final season of the CBA), everything seemed peachy. Revenues have been steadily increasing, the Winter Classic is a great success, and the parity brought on by the salary cap has made the game popular in many new markets. Then the owners decided that they aren’t making enough money. As revenues across the league grew, so did the salary cap, this makes sense. But the revenues were not evenly distributed, teams with no fans were still losing money. Clearly the only solution to this is to demand that players give up a substantial amount of the revenue pie, that’ll go well. I have a thought, why don’t we look at the teams that are losing money and try to figure out why. Are they a beach vacation destination in the winter? Relocate. Do they have a chance to be successful, but are just hurting right now? Revenue Sharing. Gary Bettman and selfish owners suck.

The NBA

I don’t have much here, I don’t really care about the NBA (Hey Massaro, I’ll still mention it though, apparently an NHL lockout is not as important as Blundo’s grill). Yeah, yeah, the Heat won. Yeah, yeah, Dwight Howard continued the trend of stars going to big markets (Where did stars play before?). I don’t care. What I do care about is that the Knicks decided to let Jeremy Lin walk. Well, actually I don’t care about that at all, I care that fans supported this decision because it wasn’t worth paying his salary plus luxury tax to keep him. Guess what dicks: That money wouldn’t have come out of your pocket. Your team is owned by a billionaire, he could very well have afforded the extra costs. Are we really at the point where we are justifying owners not spending money, even if it hurts the on-field/court/ice product? If you are a Knicks fan and are ok with losing Lin because you don’t think he is a better option that what you have currently on your roster, good on you. But for the people justifying the move based on the money that the owner is not spending, you suck.

The NCAA

I don’t want this to be about the Penn State decision, just the aftermath. Mark Emmert justified the side-stepping of the NCAA’s bylaws to enact swift punishment of the Penn State football program by using the word “unprecedented”. He talked of a systematic cover-up and dwelled on the fact that Penn State had put sports before academics. How does decide what cases fall into the “unprecedented” territory now? Why would they open this Pandora’s Box instead of just following their own bylaws to come to the same punishments? Because they suck.

Cycling

First of all, I don’t care about cycling. I only cared about cycling once in my life, and it was when the cancer survivor with one nut was dominating the world and passing drug tests in the process. Now, odds are that he did in fact cheat, because as far as I can tell, every cyclist ever has cheated. But his last win was 7 years ago, I don’t care. The USADA tore down a guy who was an American icon and inspiration for thousands of cancer survivors. To what end? Who benefits from this? Where is the guy sleeping better at night, knowing that justice was served? I’m all for drug testing and anti-doping measures, but if you can’t catch a guy in the act, let it go. Stop wasting tax dollars chasing after Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens and Lance Armstrong, you idiots are the only reason they remain in the news (except Clemens, apparently other idiots are helping). Catch them in the act or move on to the next one.

In summary, pretty much everything about sports sucks right now. Obviously everything outside of sports sucks, that’s why we watch sports, an escape from the sucky reality. Thanks for taking that away from me. Now get the hell off my lawn.